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THE PERFECT
GIFT FOR IMPERFECT MOTHERS
Counselors and pastors encounter
it all the time: stressed out mothers who feel they are not measuring
up as good parents. I'm certain fathers feel it too, but mothers
are more likely to experience it on the deepest level. That's
why I was so glad to find the writings of John L. Cox, clinical
psychologist from Jackson, Mississippi.
In an article in the monthly magazine
"Jackson Christian Family," John Cox discusses the stresses
that drive so many mothers to try for perfection. One mother told
him she had thrown in the towel and was no longer worrying about
being a good mother. "I've started a trustfund," she
said, "to pay for my children's therapy to undo all the damage!"
Another told Dr. Cox she prays
every night, "Lord, please don't let my children remember
how I treated them today!" One lady told Cox the pressure
to excel in child-rearing was driving her so close to the edge
she had taken up pottery-making. That way, when the family committed
her to the state mental institution, she would already have her
craft!
Early in the 20th century, psychiatrist
and pediatrician D. W. Winnicott began studying the lives of British
families in an attempt to find the most effective form of parenting.
According to Cox, Winnicott discovered that children who are the
product of perfect parents actually become misfits in life. The
ideal parental affection and care which they receive as children
leaves them completely unprepared for real life!
In time, Winnicott focused his
study on solid, productive, well-adjusted adults to find what
kind of parents they had had. He was surprised to discover that
none of their parents were out of the ordinary. These moms and
dads loved their kids and disciplined them, but made their share
of mistakes. Sometimes they were distracted and selfish, sometimes
too harsh or too lenient. But, when they failed, they recognized
it and apologized to their children and moved on. Dr. Cox writes
"And their kids were COOL ADULTS!"
Winnicott was impressed enough
by his discoveries to give these parents a name: "Good Enough
Parents." They were not perfect or ideal or even great. But
they were Good Enough.
No one can be perfect. That's
the big news. But no one has to be. That's even bigger. A friend
of Cox describes parenting as like rowing a boat with five holes
in the bottom. With only two hands and two feet, you're going
to leave some hole uncovered no matter how hard you try.
I stood at the funeral of my 88-year-old
father-in-law a few days ago and told the family, "I want
to say to you what I have found myself telling others through
forty years of ministry. As you look back on your father's life,
you can think of many things he did right. And, with a little
thought, you can probably identify some areas where he dropped
the ball. He was human and made his share of mistakes. Give thanks
to God for the times he got it right. Forgive him for the times
he didn't. Jesus said, 'Blessed are the merciful for they shall
receive mercy.' Let's cut each other some slack and not demand
perfection."
More than anything else, the emotion
which psychologist John Cox sees in today's mothers is anxiety
over their role as parents. He concludes, "Maybe the nicest
Mother's Day gift we can give them is the freedom to not be perfect
just Good Enough."
But doesn't God expect perfection
from us? Did not Jesus say, "Be perfect even as your Father
in Heaven is perfect?" (Matthew 5:48) Yes, He said that.
God's standard is perfection. But He knows not to expect it from
us, not in this lifetime. That's the reason, for example, that
the chapter in the Old Testament which gives us the Ten Commandments
also presents plans for an altar. (Exodus 20) God knows we will
not be able to keep His commandments perfectly, and that we will
be needing forgiveness to enable us to get back up and try again.
So, in His kindness, He revealed His perfect standard of righteousness
and then gave us an altar to get forgiveness for not living up
to it.
The Lord Jesus Christ is God's
perfect Standard. His cross is the Perfect Altar. We have the
best of both worlds in our incredible Savior.
God is under no illusions about
you and me. "He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that
we are but dust." (Psalm 103:14) At no time in human history
has God ever been shocked by human behavior. Grieved, no doubt,
but not surprised. He knows us. He loves us as we are.
But He loves us enough not to
leave us that way. It's all about Grace.
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